Blunt Observations

I am sitting inside the warmth of my room. My chair isn’t the most comfortable I’ve ever sat on, but somehow I am completely content. My laptop is my most prized possession in this dorm room which I must share with someone who may as well still be a complete stranger. But as usual, one of us is missing from the room and this time it is her. The music playing drowns out the silence in this little box. As I switch from one website to another, my mind wanders. Here I am, thinking of how I want to write but denying myself the pleasure in fear that my writing will spark my own curiosity, causing pain and an excuse to go running back to my past which I must ignore for [a while]. In attempts of changing the thoughts in my mind, I think of what I’d like for my future. My face illuminates as a smile cannot be denied. 

I don’t know about all the other girls out there, but I think guys are pretty damn courageous. It’s so scary confessing your feelings to someone knowing or asking someone to be your significant other with the understanding that they may not feel the same way. Personally, I find that terrifying. A lot of girls are a lot more scared of rejection than guys are. I know I’m not willing to put my heart out on the line and take that kind of risk. I’m too scared to approach someone I like and just tell them. I’d be so scared of rejection and ruining the relationship we already have. I seriously don’t know how guys can ask a girl out on a date or to be their girlfriends. Guys don’t get enough credit for how brave they can be. 

Sometimes I wish that I could just go up to someone I like and tell them how I feel. But of course, I’m a coward and it’d never go down that way. I did that once, got rejected, and got hurt. I’m too scared. Haha. Too bad I can’t read minds! 

This is my 100th post on my writing blog! I’m happy! 

Anyway, I really like group chats. Whether it’s with my family back home (Ryan still needs a phone though), the girls, or with my Venture Fam. I like having an instant way to talk to everyone in the group. It’s like even if I won’t be seeing them, they’re right with me. I get to laugh at the stupid stuff they’re saying, read the conversations they’re having even if I’m not adding to it, or I get to say whatever I want to. Whenever I’m bored or feeling unhappy, I say something random in group chat so the people I’m talking to will have something to say that’ll brighten my day. Weeheeeheee.

Nobody in Venture group chat told me they were going to church today and I ended up sleeping in… I wonder what I’m going to do today! My weekend feels like it was a lot longer than usual. Anyway, time to go off and start my day at nearly 1PM. :)

Hi there, I joined Gaia 3 years ago, and now, I am finally a junior! I have saved most of my journals from when I started Gaia mainly to look back on them because of this fact: I am growing up and I’ve changed. And I will continue to do so. I find enjoyment in reading all my spontaneous thoughts, and writing about the problems I faced, even though they now seem very insignificant. Yet, I cannot stop finding myself looking back into the past, and smiling, knowing all my little “dilemmas” have built me into the person I am now, with many more things to face as I continue to grow older. I have learned that my ego, stubbornness, and loud-mouth have been my downfall. I did not appreciate everything that I’ve been blessed with, and although I still find myself in the same predicament, I am trying to change. I have made my share of mistakes, and I’ve said things that I should not have said, but I cannot say that I regret it. My life is not always fantastic, but I am satisfied. Oftentimes, I find myself wishing that I didn’t have to grow up anymore…

This post made me think of myself as a girlfriend in my last relationship. I think as a girlfriend, I was someone who wanted to be best friends before anything else; not “we’re together, and now we’re best friends”, but I wanna be that girl a guy can turn to when he needs someone to talk to. I want to legitimately be good friends with a guy before I start to like them, you know? I would (and have) go out of my way when my significant other was ill or unhappy. I like to talk forever on the phone with my significant other can’t sleep. I tell stories or sing ugly until they do. I like things to be sentimental and real, not flashy and materialistic. I’m the kind of girl that’s honest about everything, keeps quiet instead of lying, and doesn’t make pinky promises unless I have every intention on keeping them. I don’t like promises at all unless they sound possible and real. Or maybe all of that was just with my first love. I don’t know. 

Every boyfriend and girlfriend will be different from one another, and although there are similarities between people, no two people are exactly the same. You’ll never find someone like your ex, no matter how you try. And that’s OK, because an ex is an ex for a reason, right?

I know I’m a little crazy and not everyone can decipher every aspect of me, but I have to say that I know I’m a good person. I’m weird and awkward, but occasionally I’m interesting and funny. Most importantly, I know that when I love, a part of me never gets over it. Eventually it fades into obscurity and becomes a memory that I look back on and probably make jokes about, but I always care. Not everyone can genuinely say that they’re that kind of person. I know that when I really get to know someone (whether as friends or as more than that), I like to make an impact. There’s a handful of people out there that I’m not particularly close to anymore that can tell you about how I left footprints in their heart because I was there for them in a time of need or helped them out of a rough patch in their life. 

Months later, I realize that I’m the one that got away. Not the other way around. My life is wonderful, and I know that sooner or later the right person will come around. And he’ll be someone who can handle all the spontaneity. For now, I’ll enjoy being single and acting like a school girl who wears a big smile whenever a good looking guy walks by. HAHAHA. This is just too much fun. I feel like I’m constantly finding things to be happy about. Teeeheeeeheeee. 

God manages to bring in all the right people into my life. I feel like every year, someone leave only for someone else to enter and ends up becoming significant in my life. And even though people leave, I’m thankful that each and every one of these people become a part of my life. Even if they’re only there temporarily. All of them teach me new things. So many of these people help me experience things I probably wouldn’t alone. Some of these people need me to do the same for them. And when they leave, it just means that our time together is done. We’ve taught each other everything we can and it’s time to learn new things from someone else. I’ve got the greatest friends in the world and I know I’m incredibly blessed to have each of them, whether they’re the friends I can talk to on nearly a daily basis, or the ones I talk to just a few times a year. I truly am blessed with a bunch of great people.

And before all of the friends I make that come and go, I’m blessed with the BEST family in the world. I have amazing parents that I get along with beautifully now that they view me as an adult who is capable of succeeding on her own, rather than the baby that they want to be over-protective with. When I started college, I didn’t want to talk to my mom so frequently but after returning for 5 weeks after my first semester, I realize that I miss her and miss talking to her! I’m sure I’m going to call her sometime soon. I also miss my dad, so I’ll probably call tomorrow since he’ll have the day off. Hope he doesn’t mind my random conversation. I love that I’m a lot closer to my parents. College has done good for me. 

On to the next thing- biologically, I have one brother and one half-brother that I don’t see too often. They’re both seven years older than me. But through my eyes, I have 4 brothers and 1 sister: Eliezer, Hansel, William, Phanit, and Hazel. I am truly blessed to have these people as a part of my family. It’s weird not seeing them as frequently as I did over the winter break (mainly the guys, because I practically saw them every single day). I’ll admit, I miss them a lot even though I go back home every other weekend. 

I have a lot of great people in my life. I never truly realized how incredibly blessed I am. Thank you, God. 

Classes begin tomorrow and I don’t know where all of my classrooms are. I didn’t know my schedule until about 2 hours ago. I’m lucky that I don’t have my 8AM class tomorrow. This means Thursday will be gruesome! Today it finally hit me that I need to purchase text books, which a lot of people do after the first day of instruction to make sure the books really are required. It looks like this semester will consist of a lot of writing. Perhaps if I took the AP 12 test, I could have gotten out of taking English 1B… but chances are I wouldn’t have passed that test anyhow because breaking down poetry was not something I was good at. Eventually, I started picking up on themes and symbolism in stories. Just not so much poetry. Anyhow, this semester is going to be a lot of reading and annotating. And researching. And writing. Oh. I’m both scared and excited. I still need to talk to the English department and try to declare my major as Communications. Hopefully they’ll give me the pre-requisites so I have more guidance with which courses I should take next semester. Tomorrow my day starts at noon… I’ll try to get up around 10 so I can have breakfast for the girls and search for my 1:30 class since I already know where my 12:30 one is. I think I’m actually going to like Mondays and Wednesdays since my day starts late and ends at 2:45! On Tuesday and Thursdays my day starts at 8 and ends at 1:15. I know, I should have picked up another class. Doing the bare minimum here, but I also want to try doing PCN and yeah… well, I’ll make up some time by taking summer school at Delta for the rest of my life!

K, I think I should shower now. 

I think the worst kind of relationships I’ve seen are the ones where people only care about their significant other and completely neglect their family and friends. A significant other is not guaranteed to stay. Family will always be there in a person’s life. Real friends will stay through thick and thin. But eventually, even family and friends dislike being neglected and being put after someone else.

If someone was there for you through the roughest times, don’t forget about them when someone special enters your life. Don’t make your life about your significant other. Because when you do that, you’re going to feel lost if they leave. Don’t forget about the people who were once important to you before this special person. They’re the people that will be there even if that person leaves. I don’t think it’s a good idea to cut ties from people just because you don’t see them daily or just because you’re in a relationship. One day you’re going to need a friend and they won’t be there because you’ve neglected them and pushed them away.

People can only handle so much. 

I’m back in my dorm and for the most part, I’m settled in. But reality hasn’t kicked in yet. Not until maybe next Monday. Tonight my roommate isn’t here and after watching The Help and Life As We Know It, Julie’s sleeping over because it’s 1AM and outside sounds scary. In a few days, reality will seep in…

College changes some people. Some for the better, some for the worse. I’m trying to figure out how I changed. I don’t think I entered college the best way I could have. This semester I want to change that. I kept myself hidden in the dark and I’m still trying to reveal myself to everyone. I’m not normally as quiet as I seem. I want this semester to be a lot more fun. All vacation, I was incredibly happy. I want that to stick with me. I want to continue being happy, independent, and maintaining relationships with old friends while trying to create new ones. 

Wish me luck for my Spring 2012 semester! Goodnight, tumblr. I miss having wifi and being able to lay down in my bed while on tumblr with my iPhone. Oh, I’m so lame. 

Now that my parents are more financially stable, things are going well. From about freshman year until senior year, my dad was having trouble with work. Factories all over were constantly being shut down and my dad was left jobless for a long period of time. He relied mainly on unemployment and the whole family mainly depended on my mom. She makes a good amount of money, which still meant I wouldn’t qualify for financial aid. Throughout high school, money wasn’t scarce but my parents were really conscientious on how they decided to spend their money because they didn’t want to put the family in any difficult situations. But my dad’s had a job since last year that’s been treating him really well. I’m hoping things continue to stay this way so I can continue going to a state school with my parents paying for most of my tuition. And also I’m praying that things stay this way because my parents aren’t as stressed as they used to be. I’m glad that the atmosphere is a lot happier in the house. 

On another note, with financial stability comes spending a bit frivolously. My mom is talking about going to the Philippines this year. She hasn’t brought the idea up since I was in eighth grade, and I’m really crossing my fingers and hoping that this idea will become a reality. I’d really love to go back to the Philippines a few more times in my lifetime, and if I’m given an opportunity then I’ll take it. I know my aunt is also considering it, which is probably where my mom got the idea. I haven’t seen my grandparents since November 2007 and I miss them so much. They’re so important to me and if I’m given an opportunity to see them, I’m certainly going to grab it. 

Last May, my mom and her two sisters in America went to the Philippines when my great-grandma passed away. Mama had just turned 100 that January. Exactly one month later, my Dad returned to the Philippines for the first time in over 25 years because my Lola passed away. The last time I saw her was when I was leaving the Philippines in December 2004. Lola and I weren’t extremely close because she left America when I was younger. But when I think about her, it still saddens me that I never got to spend much time with her. I was shy when I last saw her because I was only 11 and hadn’t seen her in a few years since she retired and moved back to the Philippines. I wish I was able to spend more time with Lola while she was alive. I wish we had called her more from America. I still miss her. 

You see, I’ve got my fingers crossed on going to the Philippines sometime soon because I really want to see my Nanay and Tatay. I see their photos online and they look older and older. It breaks my heart knowing that I can’t feel their warm hugs and kisses. I want to be able to see them face-to-face and I want to spend as much time with them as I can. I don’t know how many more times we’ll get to see each other in our lifetime… if I’m given the opportunity to see them, I’ll jump for it. They’re so important to me. They lived with us for most of my childhood and when they got their own place, they still took care of me and spoiled me with love and affection. 

I’m always wishing they lived in America… it’s much more difficult for them to live here, but I know they were happier. They were treated with a lot more respect than they’re given in the Philippines. My cousins and relatives take my grandparents for granted and I really dislike knowing that my grandparents aren’t as happy. It’s just so difficult for them to live in America. Even in their old age, they continued to work, work, work. In the Philippines, they’re able to enjoy retirement. 

My fingers are crossed and going to the Philippines is something I’ll be praying for constantly. I miss my grandparents so much that it still hurts. I can still remember the day Nanay wrote us (Hazel, Ray, my brother & I) a letter before leaving. I can still remember doing my homework but being the first one to read it and start bursting out crying. I can still remember skipping school that day in eighth grade because I wanted to see my grandparents before they left. And I still remember our last group hug, Nanay crying as she thanked us, me bursting out in tears probably first and certainly last. I still remember crying for like an hour straight and I just couldn’t stop. Last year when my dad went to the Philippines, I wrote Nanay like a 2-3 page letter and although her response was short, I just started crying because I missed her and Tatay so much. 

Anyway, I’ve ranted for too long. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.